Sorry about the ticket. No refunds, though.

Court refuses to release names of drivers ticketed by faulty red light camera because refunding their money would violate their privacy.

Full article here.

A D.C. appeals panel says it is protecting drivers' privacy by forbidding a lawyer to get their records for a class-action lawsuit, but the lawyer says the judges are protecting the city from motorists who were fleeced by a fouled-up red light camera.

Daniel M. Wemhoff tried to file a class-action suit against D.C., alleging that as many as 20,000 motorists were victimized by a faulty red light camera at the intersection of H and North Capitol streets.

The city took in up to $10,000 per day in fines from the H Street camera; Wemhoff said city officials and the justices are worried "about a run on their treasury if all these people can bring suit." In 2000, D.C. admitted that the camera was faulty and took it down, but not before tens of thousands of drivers had been ticketed.

I'm sure they're as much worrying about their pensions as whether these motorists are protected," he said.

The DOs & DON'Ts of Hitting on Girls in the Computer Lab

It's getting close to the end of the semester, and you have papers due for pretty much every class. This means that you've been spending a hell of a lot of time in the computer lab, with Microsoft Word open, doing anything and everything to avoid working on your papers. You've also been spending a lot of time watching the people in the lab: checking out their habits, their tendencies..... their asses.

I've come to the conclusion that, at this time of year, the computer lab is teeming with hot, young females cramming for those exams they should have been studying for instead of partying until 4 AM every night the week before. The mating grounds are fertile for the picking, if you can just figure out how to pick up a girl in the strange environment that is the campus computer lab.

Well, gentle reader, I'm here to help. I've painstakingly figured out how to pick up women in the computer lab. You see, I haven't done any actual work this semester. I've just hung out around campus, mostly in the computer lab all day. And I'm going to share my methods with you. They should be used always for good, never for evil... unless by "evil" you mean "getting laid," in which case, knock youself out.

Here are a few DO's & DONT's to help you out.

DO try to sound smart.

Four out of five women agree that intelligence is sexy, and that's just because the fifth one was too hung over from having wild drunken sex with a smart man the night before to fill out the questionnaire. If you're in the computer lab, you're surrounded by the latest in internet-cruising and document-collating technology. Try and get across the impression that you know what the hell you're doing. If you can slip in a few lines involving RAM, bios, or duel processing motherboards, she'll be butter in your hands. Try these classic lines:

• "I've made some serious upgrades to my computer."
• "I work for CAC (Computer Assistance Center)."
• "I'll give you this 'Free iTunes Song' Bottlecap if you have sex with me." (careful with this one, as you'll probably have to come through with the song eventually)

DON'T look at porn.

Seriously, dude, it's the computer lab. I know, I know, it's tough. The urge is there. Ever since man created the internet to communicate troop movements during the Civil War, porn has always been a huge chunk of cyberspace ("The Ladies of Lincoln!"). I'm not here to judge. We've all looked at it before. In fact, you're probably looking at it right now. If you're in the campus computer lab, though, it's probably a good idea to close that browser window that's on YoungTeenSluts.com. Any chick who walks by and sees that is not going to give you the time of day, let alone sleep with you; in fact, she'll probably just report you. We've all seen "that guy" in the campus crime report. Don't be him.

DO dress for success.

The antiquated notion of a nerd as a virginal, Star Wars-watching, glasses-wearing Momma's Boy is gone, faded into oblivion. Well, not really. That guy who's sitting across the lab in a Star Wars T-Shirt looking at a blueprint of the Millennium Falcon through his Coke-bottle glasses while e-mailing his mom? Yeah, he's probably a nerd.

The "new" nerd, however, is not like those old nerds at all. He's sexy, and smart, and good at figuring out why the hell his hot girlfriend's new John Mayer CD won't work in her laptop (answer: he broke it, because he's heterosexual).


DO look at Facebook.

In the Church of College, Facebook is a God, second in power only to the dieties of Beer and Liquor. If you want to get closer to a girl, let her see that you're checking you're profile, or maybe adding something inspired like Caddyshack II to your "favorite movies" list. She will probably say something like, "Oh, you're on Facebook?" And you should reply, "Yes, my lamb, and you?" She will invariably reply, "Yes," because every single person in college is on Facebook. If you're lucky, she'll tell you her name, and you can add her to your friends list. Then it's on to months of faux-sexual poking, wall messages, and never seeing each other face-to-face ever again.


Ok, so at this point you've probably been busted for looking at porn... even though I TOLD you not to! If a girl sees you looking at this porn, however, the jig is up. Diversionary tactics are your best friend here. Try something like this:

GIRL: Are you looking at porn?
YOU: No.
GIRL: I can see porn right there on your screen.
YOU: Then YOU'RE looking at porn.
GIRL: What the hell are you talking about?
(pause)
YOU: I'll give you this free iTunes song if you have sex with me.


Lastly, and most importantly, DON'T post a blog.

I cannot stress this enough: do not let a girl see you posting to any kind of blog. You will never, ever get laid. Seriously. Take it from me.

You've got some powder on your nose.

Jenna Bush’s infamous ID-gate videotape is raising more questions than the Zapruder film. According to a source who has seen the footage—which features a self-described downtown coke dealer relating his late-night run-in with the First Daughter, and brandishing her college ID as a souvenir—the man insinuates that the two shared more than just drinks.


(A publicist for First Lady Laura Bush has unequivocally denied that her daughter has ever been to the Chinatown bar, Happy Ending, even though we hear the UT-Austin ID card displayed in the film clearly shows the hard-partying political liability’s name, picture and student ID number.)


Needless to say, if a coke dealer has your ID it doesn’t look so good.

Taxes will cause our Death

On January 1, the first of the Baby Boomers -- the generation born between the end of World War II and 1964 -- will turn 60. In just two years, they can begin collecting Social Security benefits. In five years, they can flash their Medicare cards at the doctor's office. And by 2030 -- the year the entire cohort will have passed 65 -- they can sink the body politic with their outsized claims on the federal budget.

The government has implicitly promised health and retirement benefits to the elderly worth $33 trillion in today's dollars over the next 75 years -- an obligation that works out to about $266,000 for each full-time worker.

I'm moving to Canada. At least I'll get universal healthcare.

Holy Shhhh..... poop

Woman's chute fails while skydiving...... backup malfuntions too. Lands on pavement in a parking lot and lives.

Oh yeah, and her unborn baby is doing fine too.

Full article here .

Who's Testing the Testers?

A testing company faces a fine after it mistakenly failed hundreds of students on Ohio's new graduation test, state education officials said Monday.

Measurement Inc. graded 1,599 tests and failed 890 students after accidentally converting raw test data to passing and failing grades, the state Education Department said. Of those 890, there are 347 that it directly affected, forcing them to repeat their senior year.

The company said it's the first time it made an error big enough to warrant a fine. The fine, which still must be negotiated, would be paid to the state.

Students will receive a letter of apology later this week.

A letter of apology? Thats it? Now don't get me wrong, I'm against frivolous lawsuits, but I think (and hope) these 347 students file a class action lawsuit.

Charged if you do, Charged if you don't

Natural gas prices to go up because – wait for it – customers are conserving too much.

Yankee Gas customers have apparently done too good a job with conservation, because the company is now asking for a rate hike based, in part, on a drop in use.

Doesn't is seem like they are punishing consumers for conserving. They are eliminating the incentive for consumers to conserve.

Charged if you do and charged if you don't.

This is really getting out of hand.

Atlanta man arrested and handcuffed for selling one of his subway tokens at face value to another man who couldn't get one out of a vending machine.

Transit authority spokeswoman Jocelyn Baker said Friday that the officer "acted within the law" after he spotted Donald Pirone, 42, apparently selling the token Nov. 30 inside the West End subway station.

Instead of giving Pirone a warning, the officer decided to handcuff him and give him the misdemeanour citation under a 1992 state law that bars passengers from selling Metropolitan Atlanta Rapid Transit Authority tokens.

Baker acknowledged that Pirone sold the token at face value and did not make a profit. But the law is the law, she said.

Bitch.

I'm sorry your Honor, come again?

A stepdad is forced to pay child support after his ex-wife marries the child's biological father.

The man must continue paying child support for his stepdaughter even though his ex-wife married the child's biological father, a court has ruled.

Full article here.

Real vs. Fake

Real ones aren't as perfect but they feel nicer, while fake ones are often bigger and stand up better but are criticized as "plasticky."

Let the Christmas tree debate begin.

Comparison here.

Watch the Teeth, Honey

Dentist says that it's important for people with braces to avoid oral sex.

I think dentists should shut the hell up and keep their opinions to themselves.

Full article here.

Why are actors automatically suited to run our government?

Another actor, Mel Gibson, is being proposed as a possible replacement of Arnold Schwarzenegger by the California Republican Assembly for governor. This week it announced its attentions online with the creation of a website, melgibsonforgovernor.com.

I can see the headlines now:
"Mad Max might challenge Governator. Two men enter, one man leaves."

Kansas Ranks Last in School Science Standards

For some odd reason, the state that teaches intelligent design ranks last in the nation’s science standards.

A national education group says Kansas has the nation's worst science standards for public schools. The Thomas B. Fordham Institute condemns the state for rewriting its definition of science and treating evolution as a flawed theory.

Did You Know?

The U.S. has 413 satellites in orbit, compared to 382 for the rest of the world.

With 413, the United States far exceeds other nations in numbers of satellites, often used for communications. The Russians come in second with 87. The Chinese have 34.

Christmas Lights Shut Down

Sheriff's deputies asked the owner who lit up his house with 25,000 Christmas lights synched to music to turn off the display after a traffic accident Tuesday night.

Deerfield Twp. resident Carson Williams agreed to shut down his holiday decorations indefinitely. Williams told a Cincinnati television station that sheriff's deputies could not reach the traffic accident because of the traffic lined up in his neighborhood.

The display caught attention across the nation on network TV and on the Internet because the lights on the Williams house and filling their yard are synchronized by computer with music broadcast to car radios. There are three songs in the 12-minute display: Frosty the Snowman by the Jackson 5; God Bless the USA by Lee Greenwood and Wizards of Winter by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

Williams turned his display on the week of Thanksgiving and motorists have lined up between 6 and 10 p.m. ever since.

Once again, you can still watch the show here (WMV format, 4.8 MB) .

SexySchoolgirls.xxx

The group that oversees Internet domain sites has again postponed a decision on a controversial ".xxx" domain for sex sites, the head of the organization said Monday.

The Family Research Council opposes creation of a .xxx domain extension, saying it would increase online porn.

Is that even possible?

WWJD?

Angry Christians beat anti-intelligent-design Kansas University professor with pipe on side of road.

What Would Jesus Do? Probably would've used the tire iron instead.

Full article here.

Schedule Genetics Next Semester

Overweight moms more likely to have overweight children. This startling news brought to you by Ohio State University, where they apparently have not yet heard of genetics.

Article here.

Human Implants

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has approved the practice of injecting humans with tracking devices for medical purposes, according to a Florida company that makes the devices.

Applied Digital, maker of the implantable VeriChip for humans, announced Wednesday the FDA's approval of its technology for use in hospitals following a yearlong review by the agency.

The computer chips, which are about the size of a grain of rice, are designed to be injected into the fatty tissue of the arm. Using a special scanner, doctors and other hospital staff can fetch information from the chips, such as the patient's identity, their blood type and the details of their condition.

It can also be used to track you down like the dog that you are when you're running from the establishment.

You are guaranteed the right.... just not here.

High school newspaper runs story on birth control. Administrators give students lesson on how the First Amendment applies to everyone EXCEPT students at that high school.

Article here.

Some headlines just write themselves

Actual headline: "Two charged in cutting off man's ears waive hearing"

DodgeCar

Kids invent game called Dodge Car. What could possibly go wrong?

Oh yeah, they lose.

X-mas Spirit

A mall in Massachusetts issued an apology after a 4-year-old girl was apparently told she was not allowed to sit on Santa's lap unless she purchased a $21 picture of the meeting, according to a Local 6 News report.

Maria Grigorian said she took her daughter, Michelle, to the North Shore Mall in Peabody to visit Santa Claus.

However, when the 4-year-old got to the front of the line, she was not allowed to sit on Santa's lap because her mother did not have cash to pay for the picture.

Grigorian said the least expensive photo offered was $21.

"I am a single mom and don't have that money right now," Grigorian said.

Michele was so upset over the incident that she burst into tears and left with her mother.

"To see her crying and saying, 'Mommy I just want to tell Santa what I want for Christmas,'" Grigorian said. "I was heartbroken, totally heartbroken."

Merry fucking X-mas you greedy bastards.